Do I hate him?

I am definitely the funnier one in the relationship. Shoutout to my Mother. Not for also being funny, but for being a slight train-wreck. 

Am I just too comfortable in chaos? That feeling peaceful is boring? 

Childhood trauma may have made me funny, but has it also made me incapable of stability?

He’s nice. He’s great in bed. He is cool. He dresses so cool. We do wonderful things together. We have a child (a dog). He allows me to be whoever I want to be, in full support. And buys me chocolate all of the time.

So why do I think I hate him?

If things begin to feel stale. Or overly familiar, I’m out. From Louth to Surrey on a whim, then back home and back away again. Many variations of jobs. Sales, PA, horses? At least I am employable. I guess. A strict regime of three monthly cycle sort-of-relationships. God forbid they buy me flowers or introduce me to their parents.

The matter of fact is, I have never been in one place. Happily. And now I am, it feels foreign. Like should I run? But to where? Go travelling, sure. Sell the horse I have been working so hard to get this far, to only get this far? Airports give me overwhelming anxiety, not forgetting the smell. Sharing a musty hostel with men and eighteen year olds would send me spiralling. Moving back home, would send me over the edge. And my dog? She doesn’t deserve a broken home. Especially, when our home is so happy.

Half of my friends have sent their save the dates and many photos of them looking ethereal in white gowns, some of which have children in tow, and the other half are big advocates of a hot girl summer; meeting boys from hinge in different European cities every month.

Tiktok tarot readings give me mixed signals too. In one breath my ex is thinking about me, and in the other I am with the man I am going to marry. I have had multiple (many) dreams about Loli Bahia, so maybe I am gay. Disclaimer: I am not gay. I just enjoy looking at her. Or maybe I dream of being her. I think I want to be her.

I always wish to be in their relationship, have her body, her wardrobe and that lifestyle. But you have to live like you already have what you want, in order to achieve what you want. I think. Thats what my latest read, ‘The Midnight Library’ has taught me. 

Strongly recommend. 

Prison isn’t the place, it’s the perspective.

I don’t hate him. Or my life. Or our life. Not even a little bit. It just feels off brand for me to feel so content. And in love? Cringe. I love, love. But shouting about it feels diabolical. I need to grow up. Sometimes the man isn’t always worse than the bear, in my case, I am probably worse than both.